USA and Japan

Hey guys. I want to talk a little bit about something that tears me apart at times. So, a lot of people ask me, "Do you like USA or Japan better?" or "Do you ever regret making this decision?" When I was living in the states, I tried so hard to find a way to come back to Japan. At the time, I could honestly say that I didn't want to be in the states. That's something that is true. When we lived in Japan for the first time 15 years ago in Aomori (then later left), I really wanted to come back and live here forever. It honestly changed my life at the time because I got to experience the culture and learned more about where my mom came from.

I lived in the states most of my life, because that's where my dad is from. On the other hand, my mom is Japanese, so Japan is also a big part of me as well. I have a lot of people I care about who are in the states. And a lot of them prefer I live there rather than Japan. I remember when I went back to the U.S. last year for my dad's funeral, someone had pushed me to stay. They gave me so many reasons to not go back to Japan. I know it's because I have family in the states (though I have family here too), better benefits and more freedom. That's something I did think about, but I decided to continue down my own path. I felt I needed to experience my other half. I want to get to know myself better, so I decided to come to Japan.

Though I was somewhat familiar with Japan before, I made a huge decision to come to Japan and leave everything behind in the states to pursue what I always wanted to do. I want people to know that I'm doing this mainly for me. Yes, there's a part of me now that I'm also doing it for my mom, but I feel I didn't make a mistake. My first experience back in Japan was a mess, but I learned to survive through it and now I'm in a better place. Because of my skills (yes, apparently I have skills lol), I have received so many offers since the day I came. I also have benefits here in Japan, and the rules here may be strict, but you learn to go with it.

You would think me being a half, I'm expected to learn both languages. Well, growing up, my mom would speak to my brother and I in Japanese, but we only spoke back to her in English. So, our ability to speak Japanese was never in our system. Nor to write or read it. We didn't think it was necessary. We regretted that though. It was always easy for me to understand it, but never to speak it. Since the day I came back, I speak it everyday (obviously) and I feel like I've became so much better. Everyday my vocabulary broadens and I speak faster as each day passes. I study literally everyday. It took this long to communicate with my family in Okinawa. I honestly don't remember how I communicated with them this whole time, but I know I didn't speak Japanese to them so I think my brother and I were using hand gestures to get by. Now that I can speak it, they were so happy and surprised that even my obaa was in tears. I felt bad for so many years because I know how much a grandma would want to communicate with their own grandchild, but couldn't. Sadly, my mom hasn't heard me speak Japanese and I know how much she wants to hear that too. It's weird because as much as I want to speak to her in Japanese, I can only speak to her in English because it's always been like that since I was little. But that will change eventually. To be honest, my Japanese is way better than my brother is at it. I swear that's the only thing I'm better at than my brother (I feel older siblings can do just about anything). And recently, my brother even called to say that he was so proud of me and how our dad would have been so proud. Who knows, there may be a chance my brother will be living in Japan again too!

I can't say that I belong in the USA or in Japan. I don't want to have to choose, when I know at times I have to. I just want everyone to know (mostly pointing out to my friends and family), that I don't regret this and though things are going smoothly now, I know that could change. I can't say that I'm going to be living in Japan for the rest of my life. Maybe, but I honestly don't know. Who knows, maybe many years from now I could be going back to the states or even a different country. But that's not going to stop me from doing my best with how things are going now. I'm learning everyday and meeting many wonderful people along the way. It's been a good and bad experience, but that's anywhere in the world. I also don't want everyone to worry and feel that the people here are forcing me to stay here when I'm here on my own free will. I know it's hard for some to understand, but just because I'm living in Japan, it doesn't mean I betrayed or forgotten my other home. It's a huge part of me I could never erase, and because of it, it has given me opportunities. Though things may change drastically over there, I still love America no matter what. I love them both equally. No matter what.